I promised myself that I wouldn’t work too much over the holiday period… A few check ins with clients here and there, but I was really trying to stay away from my Bellies and Beyond Facebook and Instagram accounts and definitely no blogging. But today something happened and I actually couldn’t help but blog about it.
I checked my Timehop app and was scrolling through it when something basically jumped out of my phone and slapped me in the face. (First things first if you have no idea what a Timehop is then you haven’t read all my blogs – read https://www.belliesandbeyond.com.au/blog/time-hopping). I stared at the phone in disbelief that it had been a year since I wrote the blog “It won’t be like this forever”. (https://www.belliesandbeyond.com.au/blog/it-wont-be-like-this-forever) This blog was probably the hardest for me to write, the one that I regard as the most important I’ve ever written and it’s of course the one closest to my heart. I felt it was really important to follow up to those that read it, one year later. A bit of a check in I suppose.
To be honest, a year later I am absolutely flying. I am so thankful for the age gap that was pressed upon me. My two girls are absolutely best friends and they share everything from a bedroom, to toys, their food and most recently gastro! They have nap times together, eat the same foods and really life is amazing for us three Abraham girls.
Since I wrote that Blog I have had so many wonderfully honest mothers email me to talk about how they feel the same way. They have opened their hearts and dug deep and told me about their Post Natal Depression, the way they dread each day, the mother guilt they feel on a daily basis and how much they struggle with how they feel. If any of you mothers are reading this and feel this way, I am urging you to go and get help. Start with your family GP and explore your options. My biggest regret to this day is not asking for enough help. Our happiness (or lack of) directly impacts our children and just like we can only be as happy as our most unhappy child – they too feel everything you feel, and frustratingly for them cannot put it in to words.
I learnt this lesson a few months ago. I was stuck in a rut. I was having a hard time with Mikah who was doing everything that normal three year olds do. My husband had moved away for 6 months for work only returning every few weeks and we had sold our apartment and were struggling to find a new house. Even writing it makes me tense up – it was a lot to deal with by myself and if a friend came to me I would tell them to stop being so hard on themselves, and I would remind them they were doing the best they can. But somehow the advice that we would give our friends often isn’t good enough for ourselves. And I became the exact mother I didn’t want to be; a shouter. By nature this is not me, I have always prided myself on being a patient mother, a mother that understands the developmental stages of her children and is really present at all times. I lost myself for a little while and was more focused on refreshing my Safari several times a day to check the latest house on Domain. I lost sight of what was important and instead of getting the mother that I want to be, the girls got an exhausted, short fused and exasperated mother. Out of desperation to nest my little family, I lost my way a little. Every night I would lie down and go over my day and promise myself that tomorrow would be different. It took a little while to get my act together but as soon as I managed to sort it out – so too did Mikah. Almost overnight, like a Domino effect – she changed. As I settled more, so too did Mikah. As I laughed more – so too did she. I realised that she could only be as happy as I could. It was a lesson I had learnt a year ago and it seemed I needed a refresher course.
So a year later, I am totally in my groove with the girls and sometimes catch myself worrying about the future, knowing full well that it won’t be like this forever. When they are busy playing together in their room and don’t want me, I think back to when I used to complain every time I had to sit on the floor and talk baby with them. Or when Mikah dresses herself I can’t believe I’m not needed (or wanted) to help. The other day I went to grocery shopping with both girls myself and then to the beach. Not too long ago I couldn’t have ever imagined being able to manage all that. I sat on the sand with a book and read with one eye on the pages and the other on the girls. I couldn’t help but think about how far I had come – how far they had come.. The Rebecca of two years ago was unhappy with what life/god had given me and now I’m desperately trying to slow down time so that it can be like this forever.