A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about the day I got stuck in the shower. (Feel free to have a quick squiz https://www.belliesandbeyond.com.au/blog/today-i-got-stuck-in-the-shower). You see at that stage of my life all I could see into the future was the next half an hour. That’s what it often can be like having babies isn’t it? I had two under two and let me tell you – the forecast each day was foggy.
But now I am two years down the track, the sun is shining, my girls can play together while I shower, one can dress herself and when I’m really lucky will dress the other. I don’t feel (as) exhausted and to be honest I have more time to think about me and what I actually want. For so long, or so it felt, I could only think of the girls needs. I could only put one foot in front of the other and anything more was too difficult. So where does it leave me?
My husband is an absolute achiever. He has managed to get married during his internship as a Doctor, had his first baby while sitting exams in the loooong process to be a surgeon, do a rural term while I had my second baby and then spent 2 years studying for his final exams as our children were toddlers together. Now I know he would have preferred to spend every waking moment with his family rather than buried in books but he was on a mission. He had a dream, and he followed it. And I have supported every single bit of it. (So much so that I fancy myself a bit of a doctor now!).
To be honest, my dream was blurry. I really only worked out what I wanted to do after I became a mother. BC (before children) I was a kindergarten teacher and I LOVED it. For then. And as you know after having my first baby I became a sleep consultant and still love it. But I would like to go and do more studying and I just can’t work out how to fit it all in. I don’t feel like my family is complete but I have such a thirst for knowledge for everything mummy and baby. Isn’t that we are designed to do? Keep pushing ourselves? As mothers, as women, as humans??? But how…! So once again I feel stuck.
I am my own worst enemy I know. It’s a feeling of FOMO. I am always so worried that my girls will miss me if I was going to study but really its all about what I would miss out on. I love dropping them off every morning, I love picking them up, I love volunteering at kindergarten… Do you see my conundrum? Our grandmothers generation helped women to take off their aprons, step out of the kitchen and into the world and now we (I) want it ALL.
I also feel this added pressure because I have girls. I want them to aim for the stars and I want them to catch them! If they want to become surgeons then so be it, but if they want to be Stay At Home Mum’s then I would applaud that too. Both are incredibly hard and both are exceptionally rewarding. But what to do if they want a mix of both worlds? How do I help them to scoop up those stars? I know what they will learn from their father but what will they have learnt from their mother about it? Sometimes I feel like I am failing them by telling them to dream big, when I can’t even work out how to achieve my own. I desperately want them to see that I succeeded at it and lived life without regrets.
Clearly this blog does not serve to inform, to inspire or to enlighten. I wish I had answers but I don’t. I am also not wanting to rant and rave or seem unappreciative because I really am not. I suppose when I feel like this, I realise that I cannot be the only one to be in this boat. The sea must be crowded with people feeling exactly the same way. And sometimes it helps to share thoughts, to swap ideas and be encouraged by others so please feel free to be in touch and impart any wisdom you may have. After all, the mother’s club is the most exclusive and elite group there is and we really need to scratch each other back’s every once in a while and help each other make our way through together.